Is self-awareness a long-lost skill?

 

Why am I coming across so many people recently who cannot read situations, have no idea of the impact of their actions and words, and cannot apologise for wrongdoings? Is everyone hardwired these days to feel like they always have to be right and that they have to focus on defending themselves rather than backing down and admitting they could have ‘maybe’ been wrong?

Are people now unable to see another person’s perspective beside their own? Can people no longer read facial expressions and body language to understand when another person is upset, angry or frustrated? What has happened to basic people skills?

Having sat in meetings with some people this year, feeling deflated, upset and past the point of trying to appease the situation because the others were so incapable of reading the room to see the change in posture, body language and eye contact, it baffles me that these people can work in roles where empathy and communication are at the forefront of their position. What is so wrong with putting your hand up and saying ‘Sorry’? It does not mean you have failed. It is nothing to be ashamed of and it is not a competition to see who is going to win. It is basic courtesy and shows strength of character. That one word can make such a huge difference in the outcome of so many situations in that people feel seen, rather than ignored.

Perspective v intention

We can upset someone or trigger an unwanted reaction without even knowing, and that is where perspective comes in. Having empathy for another person’s point of view and understanding why or how they can feel is a skill that seems to have been lost by many. Intending to hurt someone or do wrong is a whole different ball-game to being able to see that we could have hurt someone’s feelings, without any malice intended.

I personally cannot see how it can be so hard, when someone explains that your actions had a certain impact on them, to not just put your hands up, apologise and say ‘I am so sorry. I never meant it that way at all and I apologise if I caused you harm’. How is that so hard? Most of us do not intend to hurt people but accepting that we are capable of saying something or doing something which upsets another person is not a difficult thing to do.

Defending yourself, blaming the other person, gaslighting, denying or projecting are all ways in which you show a lack of self-awareness in these situations, and that lack of self-awareness means you lack emotional intelligence and empathy.

We will annoy people. We will hurt people’s feelings. We will do things we are not proud of. We will make mistakes. It is the learning from them, being aware that people think differently and that we do not need to agree with everyone else, that will take you far in life. It is accepting when you are wrong, even if you did not mean it. It is listening to other people and acknowledging that you could have been more tactful or careful with your words. It is having empathy for others and respecting that their feelings are valid. This is what a strong person looks like. These are the skills we want our leaders, managers and colleagues to have.

Back down

I have, on numerous occasions, had to apologise and say sorry for things when I had no intention of hurting the person’s feelings. I have had to apologise for doing some things that were taken differently than I had intended, and I have also had to back down and apologise for things that I have done that were, simply not kind. An apology goes a long way, and not only does it show that you respect other people’s point of view, it also shows you are aware that the whole world does not exist through your eyes in only your perspective.

The thing that bothers me the most is that these people are being defended by their superiors in the workplace (who are also not able to simply apologise for any wrongdoings), and therefore the behaviour perpetuates.

I do not understand why it is deemed as such a bad thing to have to apologise. Taking responsibility is part of life, part of working with others and a skill we work so hard to instill in our children, yet some adults prefer to be right and to stand their ground to the hilt, rather than just say essentially ‘I can see your point of view’.

Are people so scared of accepting responsibility for fear of losing their job? Has the ‘complaint culture’ created a generation of people who deflect blame onto others instead of just saying sorry? Is it their job they are scared of losing or their pride? Or are they simply so egotistical that they feel compelled to insist they have never failed, never done anything wrong or never made a mistake? Is it not part of human nature to do things wrong? Is this not how we learn, develop and grow?

What you deem as truth is not other people’s truths, and having an awareness of this seems to be a skill that is not one everyone possesses. Is our culture now all about covering our own backs? For what purpose? What is so scary or wrong with apologizing?

Elton John claimed in 1976 that ‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word’ and it appears that some people in their professional and private lives also struggle with this. It says a lot about an organization when this behaviour is condoned and encouraged by all levels of authority, and it is not one that I plan to spend my time fighting, but it becomes very clear that change will never happen while people like this defend what they have done rather than owning up.

For me, my own self-awareness tells me when it is not worth fighting a battle, and I gain a lot of peace from the fact that, until these people fundamentally change to have compassion for others, it is just not worth the negative energy it brings, and therefore, it is time for me to back down and accept that, in this case, justice will never truly be done.