How to re-invent your identity as a trailing spouse

People move abroad for a variety of reasons. Some for job opportunities, some to travel, some to escape a life at home and some for the life that being an expat can offer. In the expat community, it is common that, a family moves for one person’s work and the other becomes the trailing spouse. In the majority of cases in the Middle East, it is the wife following a husband and it becomes her job to sort out schools for the kids, do the school pick-up and drop off while the husband works.

I see so many examples of this in the Middle East and also see many women complaining of losing their identity or finding it very difficult to adjust to this new life. Their lives become about their kids and, without working as they had probably done at home, they feel a little lost, isolated and as if they have lost perspective of who they are apart from a wife and mother. Not working can also be difficult financially for couples, either in that they need two salaries coming in to flourish, or they do not need the additional salary, but the trailing spouse feels financially not independent at all.

Some ladies have told me that being a trailing spouse is the reason for their divorce. Some have explained that they have lost who they felt they previously were, and some have felt more alone and isolated than they have ever felt in their lives. Being a trailing spouse definitely presents unforeseen problems that would perhaps never have been considered before the move abroad. But it can also create some incredible opportunities for the trailing spouse to redefine their identity, have some time to focus on themselves and pinpoint what is important in their marriage, their family and their lives.

Here are some ways in which you can take back control of your life while being a non-working trailing spouse:

1. Use the time to focus on your health (mental and physical) – perhaps you can get to the gym while the kids are at school, or you can practise self-care by having a monthly massage. Not having to work takes the pressure off financially but you will feel so much better if you are looking after yourself.
2. Decide what you love and educate yourself further – this could be an online course, a university degree, training for a new job, a side hussle. Lots of women are finding their creative side in art, beauty therapy, writing, exercise courses or baking. Find your passion and either do it for the love of it or try make some extra money from it.
3. Be grateful for the time with the kids, even if that is on the school run. If you were working, you would probably have to find some sort of childcare before or after school, pay for transport (which can be less safe than driving yourself), and would perhaps not be able to be involved in their clubs, activities and friendships.
4. Find new hobbies – this will also lead to new friendships and gives you a chance to do the activities you love, whether it is a book club, an exercise class, arts and crafts or outdoor persuits. Join Facebook groups and groups in the area where you live to see what is available. There is always something in Meet-ups or in Facebook groups and you never know who you could meet.
5. Organise a coffee morning, a book club or meet-up yourself and advertise it. There are so many women who would love to attend something like this but do not perhaps have the confidence to organize it. Even if you do something with the kids to give you a security blanket, lots of other mums will surely be excited to meet new people and form new connections.

So, try to view this new period in your life as an occasion to re-invent yourself rather than talking about losing your identity. Perhaps the previous, busy, working version of yourself was someone who needed to be re-invented and this opportunity to live abroad (even if you are not working), could be the making of the new, improved you!