Toxic work and love life ; six phrases we use to justify staying put

The more that I focus on people looking to find new jobs and change careers due to burnout, toxic bosses and being unfulfilled, the more I believe there are so many similarities between the relationships we form and the job we have.

I deal with clients who are overwhelmed, stressed, patronized and bored and their stories are reminiscent of clients I have also had dealing with toxic partners, family members or friends. Here are the six phrases I have heard clients say and why boundaries are the answer:

1. ‘What if it is worse somewhere else?’ – People who have experienced toxic workplaces, toxic bosses or toxic teams; where they are put down, ignored, criticized, have their confidence knocked, walk on eggshells and are afraid to voice their opinion or make a mistake, often wonder if they will find these types of people wherever they go. Whether it is a need to leave a job or leave a partner, the results are similar when we spend too much time around toxic people and we start to think we can cope with it as it is now.
2. ‘I will never be able to find anything better’ – We start to justify the good in the person or job we are with despite their terrible behaviour and lack of respect. Our confidence has been knocked so low that we start to believe we are incapable of better and start thinking it is better the devil we know than the devil we don’t.
3. ‘I have no time to apply for jobs/ date’ – Focusing on making change in any area of our life requires time, dedication, resilience, and effort. It is always easier to stay in our comfort zone than to push through the fear of change but surely putting some time and effort into applying for new jobs or dating is better the current situation of being unhappy.
4. ‘Maybe it is me?’ – Similar to number 2, when we have been gaslit by a boss, a partner or a co-worker, we start to question our sanity as well as our opinions, points of view and judgement. It is never you. It is always the abuser!
5. ‘If I just stay out of his/ her way I can get on with things’ – We should never be scared to be seen, heard or around. We should never have to be around people who are unapproachable and make us feel afraid. Work or home life should not be lived in fear.
6. ‘It is not this bad all the time. Sometimes it is fun’ – Of course in all relationships, we have good and bad times, but the good times should outweigh the bad, whether it is a job or a relationship. Relationships are based on mutual respect and give and take. Anything one-sided or disrespectful does not merit fighting for, so why do so many people stay in something that is hurting them or bringing them down?

Boundaries

People treat us how we allow ourselves to be treated. Of course, we can come across toxic people, bosses and colleagues throughout our lives, but similar to bullies in school, if it does not stop when it is called out, it could be that the only way to escape it is to go above their head, seek support, avoid it or leave.

In many situations we cannot avoid toxic people because they are related to us or they are our boss, but we often forget that WE have a choice here. We can choose who we spend our time with and who we want to be around. If we are choosing to be around a toxic person or work in a toxic workplace, that IS a choice. I understand that it is hard to walk away from some people or a job but what do you value more: your own wellbeing and health or keeping someone else happy?

No one deserves to be treated poorly or disrespected and sometimes the strongest message or boundary you can show is to walk away. Often, bullies at school carefully choose their victims because they feel they will get away with their behaviour. Controlling adults do the same. They do not treat everyone that way, they choose who they bully and control and if they have chosen you, it is because they think they can get away with it.

My advice to anyone dealing with a toxic workplace would be to do these things in this order:

1. Call it out directly – go and speak to the person about how you feel. Remain calm and professional and avoid blaming but explain how you feel and what you would like to happen.
2. If no change is noticed, go above them – speak to their (or your) line manager and explain what you have done so far.
3. If no change happens at this point, their behaviour is being enabled by the leadership and it is very unlikely it will change, so if it is something you cannot manage, I would walk away.