How to deal with toxic parents

Parents are the people who teach us right from wrong, instill in us good morals and support us through the ups and downs of life. I truly believe every parent does what they think is best for their kids – the problem is that sometimes this can be harmful, damaging and traumatizing. Parents often bring up children the way they were brought up, or by rebelling against that and doing the opposite. A lot of parenting is subconscious in that we have been conditioned through our own childhood to believe certain things, think our upbringing was normal and react in certain ways to certain situations. It is often found that parents pass on their own insecurities, anxieties, belief systems and issues onto their children, without intentionally trying to cause any harm.

Studies have shown that the more adverse experiences the parents had as a child themselves, the more likely their own children would be to be troubled by the age of 5. As children, we know no different and believe what happens in our house, is the same as in all houses – our norm is the norm. However, once we progress into adulthood, learn what is right and wrong, and have a say in our decision-making, we can start to see patterns and recognize any parenting that has a negative effect on our emotional health.

As an adult, and even in marriage, parents and parents-in-law, can be toxic in several ways and it is for us personally to decide if we need to act on it or not. Here are 5 ways that parents can negatively affect us and 5 ways to deal with toxic parenting relationships.

How can parents be toxic?

1. Too involved – some parents can be too involved in their own children’s lives to the point they comment on relationships, demand to be called or visited a certain number of times per week, or become nosey or needy.
2. Critical – constantly criticizing parenting skills, their own children, partners or grandchildren can make relationships very awkward and can result in low confidence levels, low self-esteem, people pleasing and a lack of self-belief.
3. Manipulation – trying to create a wedge between a married couple, kids and their parents or trying to make people favour them instead of others. Some people seek drama in their lives and when things are relatively calm, they will find something to rock the boat as this is their comfort zone.
4. Dishonesty – lies and dishonestly always result in a lack of trust and it is very difficult to know what to believe when dealing with someone who lies frequently.
5. Lack of care – it can be extremely hurtful for adult children when their parents show no or little interest in their lives. They make no effort to be in touch, do not ask about grandchildren and forget birthdays and special family occasions. We expect our parents to care about us but when a relationship becomes one-sided, it is already a red flag.

5 ways to deal with toxic relationships

1. Talk about it – we all see things from our own perspective and some people are unaware that they are hurting your feelings or doing anything wrong. Communication helps with this, and it is from here you will see if the person tries to change, becomes defensive or cannot see how they are affecting you. Once you have expressed your feelings, if nothing changes then it may be time to move on to the next steps.
2. Draw boundaries – if the person refuses to change or recognize that their behaviour is hurting you, it may be that you need to put some boundaries in place to limit future hurt. This could be that you see them only on special occasions, they are not welcome in your home or you will only be around them in the presence of others.
3. Make your peace with it – if the first 2 steps do not make any difference and the parent is still causing problems, it may be that you have to make your peace with it, if you do not wish to move to steps 4 and 5. Acceptance can be very calming for you in that you can recognize there is something wrong within the person and you can send them forgiveness rather than being angry or resentful.
4. Reduce contact – this can mean that you are still on talking terms but you make little effort for them to be a part of your life. It can help you feel as if you are controlling the situation, rather than being controlled by it.
5. Cut them out – this is a very harsh and final way to deal with a toxic parent but sometimes it is necessary once you have tried the other 4 steps. If the parent continues to cause you harm and be a negative force in your life, it could be that life is happier and more peaceful without them in it. Please make sure to try the other steps first and be sure that this is the right thing to do for you, because guilt can be a powerful force of destruction if you realise you have made a mistake in doing this and it becomes too late to change.