Is forgiveness the key to happiness?

In the Savage Garden song ‘Affirmation’ it says ‘I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness’ and it has always baffled me. I thought for so long he was saying ‘your OWN happiness’ and that made a lot more sense to me, but after checking official lyrics, it is UNHAPPINESS, and in a song, which, otherwise, makes so much sense to me, I found this strange.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiving someone is the act of ‘conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you’. It is the process following an act of harm and requires the person to let go of the anger towards the person, in order to find peace and move forward.

When do we need to forgive?

If someone has done or said something to you which you go over in your mind and you have a feeling of resentment, whenever it is mentioned or brought up, it may be that forgiveness is required.

Benefits of forgiving

Forgiving people actually has strong psychological benefits for the person holding the resentment. It allows that person to let go and stop living in fear and anger, while moving towards inner peace and contentment. It heals us internally and can improve self-esteem and feelings of depression. This does not mean that we must forget what has been said or done, and does not mean that you believe it was OK, or even that the person deserves forgiveness, but it means that you accept it and are no longer fighting it, trying to change the outcome, denying it happened or seeking vengeance. By forgiving, you are actually releasing the control that person had over you, your emotions, your behaviour and your life, and you are taking back the power, moving away from the victim mentality to become a strong, empowered and courageous person who can rise above life’s adversities.

How to forgive – some tips for finding your inner peace

When something awful has been done to you or someone you love, it is natural to feel angry and want bad things to happen to that person in revenge. There are people around the world who have dealt with atrocities and unspeakable trauma – it is natural for them to feel resentment towards their abusers, and for many people, forgiveness is a long process. Here are some actions you can take to heal the anger you are feeling:

1. Talk it through – this can be with a counsellor, family member, friend or someone you trust, but it is important that you can talk about your feelings openly with permission to be angry or speak honestly. Acknowledge your feelings and accept that you feel this way, but you want to be free from the resentment.
2. Tell the person they have harmed you – this is not always possible as they may not be alive, could be in prison or could be a large organization with no ‘face-to-face’ contact. If a conversation is not possible, you can write and send a letter, burn it, bury it, rip it up or release it into the air. Doing this, gives you the power to express how you feel, how you feel harmed by them, the effect their behaviour has had on you, and also the chance to say that it is not going to control you anymore. This can be very freeing.
3. They key to forgiveness is to have NO EXPECTATIONS of the person who did wrong and to expect absolutely nothing back. Do not expect reconciliation, an argument, a letter back or an apology. By doing this, you rely on them for nothing, you are no longer the victim, and you release control the offender had over you.
4. Try to see the other person’s perspective – very few people wake up every day with the intention of making someone’s life difficult or hurting them. Many people are unaware they have hurt someone or had simply not intended to do so at all, so having a conversation to see their point of view can help greatly. Even if the harm that has been done to you was by someone that you will never see again or have no desire to see, you can try to think of that person’s life and recognize that they have probably done what they think is right and their intention was good.
5. Forgive yourself – when you are annoyed with yourself, overthink or are consumed by negative thoughts, it can turn to self-loathing, which in turn, leads to dysfunctional behaviour, such as binge eating, drinking, poor sleep and lack of exercise. By forgiving yourself, you are accepting this part of your journey and moving forward in a more positive frame of mind.

So, is forgiveness the key to your happiness? I think so. Being wrapped up in resentment and anger is a very negative and damaging place to be and it is impossible to truly focus on your goals and happiness, when you are not accepting the past. Fighting what has happened or battling your own thoughts is emotionally exhausting and no one needs that added stress in their life. Forgiveness ironically sets free the person who has suffered and allows them to take ownership and control of their own emotions.