Is reflection the key to happiness?

There are two types of people in the world: the reflectors and the blamers.

The reflectors are the people who look inwards to any situation and work out what part they had to play in the results, and the blamers are the ones who look for external factors to blame for anything happening to them. This usually only applies to the negative; if something good happens to a blamer, they take full credit.

The reflectors

Reflective people have the ability to identify and evaluate the part they played in any situation and can try to understand or see events from other people’s perspective. They take responsibility for what happens to them and learn from feedback to make improvements. These people are highly self-aware and understand how people view them, can read social cues and are in touch with their emotions. They will try see things from other people’s point of view and will accept that they had a role in everything they have experienced but they can learn from mistakes and move on. The reflectors can move forward in life and have a positive outlook. Sometimes that role is to know that they had no part to play and therefore, it is worth forgetting. Moving on and not holding resentment plays a big role in the reflector’s ability to get through difficult events – these people understand forgiveness is about freeing themselves so do not spend time resenting people as this leads us into a life of fear and anger.

The blamers

These people blame external factors for anything negative that happens in their life. It could be the traffic, the bad drivers, the cleaner, their boss, their kids, the weather – anything, but it is NEVER their fault. They do not realize that they had a part to play in being late for work and that yes, perhaps, traffic was really bad, but if they had left 5 minutes earlier, they could have avoided it. They cannot see that the reason something they cared about got broken was because they forgot to lock the door to the cupboard, and they cannot comprehend that they maybe did not get the job they had applied for because they had not taken the time to research the company properly. These people get defensive when they receive feedback and remain angry and resentful towards people they perceive to have harmed them. This is a very dangerous place to be since resentment prevents people from moving forward and promotes the cycle of fear and anger. These people often play the victim and fail to realise that they have the power within them to forgive and move forward – they do not need anything from anyone else.

How to become a reflector

1. Before you blame others for something, think about if you could have done anything different which would have resulted in a better conclusion
2. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective and presume good intentions (most people do not want to hurt people intentionally)
3. If you need to apologise to anyone, do it – always take responsibility for your actions
4. If you have been harmed (emotionally or physically) by someone, and truly had no part to play, work on forgiving the person by sending them positive thoughts, love and prayers
5. Let the person know how you feel by talking to them, writing a letter or communicating in some way
6. Have no expectations of the other person to apologise or to make things better because they may be unaware they have done or said something to harm you, or could not be ready to accept responsibility.

We must be aware that our standards are not the same as everyone else’s. Our moral compass and priorities in life and different to everyone else’s and what we feel is acceptable, may be completely unacceptable to someone else. We cannot expect everyone to live by our standards, but we have to find a way to accept it when people do not comply by our expectations and behave the way we would like them to.

Instead of blaming others, always try to see the positive intention behind every behaviour, and the key to it all is communication. How many times have we felt someone said or did something hurtful, for the other person to be unaware they had caused such upset? When we stop blaming others for things and try to see how they feel or experience things from their perspective, we can start to find ways to find peace, to move forward and rid ourselves of any resentment.

So, before you next blame someone and play the victim, accept what has happened, assume good intentions, cultivate compassion, communicate, reflect and forgive as this will help you accept the past, let go and move on.