7 Reasons why people pleasers please no one

We have all heard of the phrase ‘people pleaser’ and some of us will be one. But why is it not actually a positive thing to please others?

What is a people pleaser?

This is someone who tries to make other people happy to gain approval. They often have no opinions of their own, apologise for the smallest of things, offer to help people even when they are busy, feel responsible for others’ emotions and feel anxious if they think someone does not like them. They put the needs of others above their own.

What is the difference between a kind/ caring person and a people pleaser?

When people do kind things for others by helping them, offering to do services for them or showing they care in any way, it is usually because they want to. They remain true to themselves and only commit to what they can. It makes them feel good and they plan it into their day. People pleasers have to change their values and beliefs to fit in with others (despite not wanting to) and try so hard for validation that they put their own priorities last. Being kind to others only becomes a problem when trying to win others’ approval is at the expense of your own wellbeing.

What causes people pleasing?

Often, it is low self-esteem, or lack of self-belief. People pleasers want to make everyone happy but put themselves at the bottom of the pile. This can also be due to insecurity, perfectionist tendencies or past trauma from childhood.

Reasons why people pleasing pleases no one:

1. The person trying to please others ends up doing things they do not want to do, resulting in frustration and anger at themselves
2. The people they are trying to please often do not care either way and would be open to discussion, so there is nothing to lose in being honest
3. The people they are trying to please can feel like the people pleaser in insincere and inauthentic
4. It is impossible to have a genuine discussion with a people pleaser because they will never give their opinion in fear of it offending someone, so they never engage in the conversation honestly
5. The people pleaser takes the blame for things even when they have done nothing wrong, so the real person to blame can escape without consequence
6. The people pleaser agrees to commitments when they do not want to, so others do not know if they really want to be there or because they feel forced to be
7. Resentment can build in people pleasers and the people that ask things of them, simply because they did not say no. Relationships can be affected negatively on the back of this

Tips to stop people pleasing

1. Buy yourself some time whenever someone asks you to do something by saying ‘ I will think about it’, or ‘ I will get back to you tomorrow’. NEVER respond straight away if you are a people pleaser as you will always prioritise the other person.
2. Draw boundaries of what you are happy to do and what you do not want to do. It is OK to say no and never give excuses why you cannot do things. Say you do not want to. Someone good at convincing you will rebuttal your ‘I can’t…because…’ comment with a reason you cannot turn down, but if you say you do not want to, they have nowhere to go. Get to know yourself – know what you like and what you do not want to do and draw boundaries around those things.
3. Say affirmations every day as to why you are a lovely person and need to put yourself first. Even something like ‘I am the most important person in my life’ or ‘ I know when to say no’, can help if said often. Additionally, try to find things about yourself that you like and focus on those to build your self-esteem.